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Deb's Take page 3
20JAN08
I have come to the realization that what started as one page of, well basically my thoughts; has now it seems to have become an ongoing writing exercise. Is this now a blog? Oh well, if it is, then it is. The next installment if you will is below.
DEB
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A Revelation of a spiritual nature
Last night (the 19th of January 2008) something that I can only describe as a miracle occurred. Rodney and I were talking about JR being a child with special needs. “Special needs” as a title for those with uniqueness’s or differences has always bothered me. It seems to categorize our children in a negative nature. But last night an event occurred that gave me a feeling of peace and healing.
Once I had decided that “special needs” would no longer be used to describe my son I felt a lifting come over me. This is the second time in my life that this has happened. The last time was almost two years ago and it happened in church. Communion, something that isn’t normally done in our church was being offered. Our Pastor said something to the effect that those who have given true forgiveness to those who have wronged us were welcome to participate in communion. At least that is what I understood it to mean. I had not up until this point given forgiveness to those who have deliberately and with for thought injured my son. I wanted to and had been praying hard for it. Especially recently until this point (and I still do; as it is a daily struggle when I read what is still continuing and getting worse).
While the other members of our congregation were getting communion I was praying and crying for some kind of personal peace. Rodney was with me in church that day; a rare occasion as Sundays off was not frequent for him. All of a sudden a wave of peace (I just don’t know how else to describe this) came over me. I felt something I never felt before in my life. I felt the Holy Spirit enter me and take away the anger, hatred and negative feelings I had been harboring since I discovered that JR’s autism was actually mercury toxicity from his childhood immunizations. All of a sudden I just felt peace come over me. Rodney looked at me and he asked me what happened. I knew then that what I thought had happened had actually happened.
The exact same thing happened to me last night while we were talking about JR and the progress he has made and continues to make every day. The topic of the category of “special needs” came up and it hit me in the head like a brick how negative a phrase this truly is. As stated previously it has always bothered me. At the back of my mind it always rested just how negative this term was. But with managing my group on Yahoo with a membership fast approaching four hundred, updating my website, cyber-schooling Samantha and taking care of JR I never really sat down and really thought about it. Last night I did and when I thought about it and realized that the term uniqueness sound so much more positive and even differences sounded more neutral; it happened again. The Holy Spirit came to me again and another even more intense (if that’s possible) wave of calm and peace came over me.
It wasn’t until this morning that I realized what had happened is I had truly and totally accepted JR for who he is, warts and all. I love my children and always have but I always struggled with what happened to JR. I never blamed him for it but carried around a great deal of guilt for allowing it to happen to him. Guilt; that even though I know God selected us to fulfill his plans for our family and many other families that I still felt daily. The guilt is gone and I now know that God had another plan as well. He used my son as a vehicle to bring me home. I have come full circle. Of course that does not mean that I won’t fight everyday for his improved health and awareness of the dangers of vaccines and everything that means. But personally I have found my personal peace again or possibly for the first time in my life. I do believe that I have come full circle.
I am writing this so I can thank all those who have walked this journey with me. A journey that began with such rage and hatred that it began to have a physical toll on me. A journey; that has been long and difficult but made easier for knowing all of you. A journey; that is beginning a new with a lighter step a happier feeling and a feeling of TOTAL PEACE.
May everyone in their own walks receive what was given to me yesterday the 19th of January 2008 at 11:15pm.
Be At Peace,
DEB
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